I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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