Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
