I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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