I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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