Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
