worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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