rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
