My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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