Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
accomplished twins. life is a go
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
