you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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