For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
