More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
