not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
