Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
