i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
