when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
