also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
