This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
