i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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