i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
