She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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