Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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