Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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