I heard we made out
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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