I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
