This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
