I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
