I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize