I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
