She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
