If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
