I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
