I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
