I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
