dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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