Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
