at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
