Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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