Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
