I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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