I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
