I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
