3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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