You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
as a side note pls kill me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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