So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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