Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
