We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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