enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
