When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
