I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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