My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
