No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
